Thursday, December 8, 2016

Meet out protag

A slice of cake in a store bought container landed on GG Baraquin’s desk with a thud, startling GG out of glaring at her computer screen. She looked up to see a smiling Theo. She looked back down at the cake and then back at Theo, confused.
“Happy First Case Day!” His explanation was not what she wanted of expected, but she smiled anyway.
“For me?” She put her hand over her heart in mock surprise. “But I didn’t get you anything.”
“Did you figure what she could be pulling us in for?” He asked, grabbing his chair from his cubicle.
“Well,” she grabbed two plastic spoons from her desk and and moved to allow Theo to share a part of the screen and her desk. “Considering both of our strengths and cases that they have, I’m thinking either email hacks,” she slides a file in his direction as he nodded. “Or one of the millions of cases on police brutality that we have. Like this one, rapey mcRapist attacking over forty-five women of color in his six years on the squad.” She slide a much larger pile in his direction. “I chose that one because everyone says he’s a “Nice guy” and “would never do that” and frankly, I want to know why a nice guy wouldn’t do something like this.” She picked up another file. “Or we could go with this one, a prison fight club a la Luke Cage.” She observed the pile. “I haven’t read all of them, but I’ve read enough to know that chances are we are getting something from this pile,” she pointed and the larger stack. “The volume is on our side.” Theo looked at the two files in front of him as GG opened up her cake to take the first bite.
“I can tell you that it’s not either of these these.” He polished of his cake, throwing it in the trashcan and picking up the file.
“What? How?” GG asked with a mouth full of cake.
“Well, Huang and Nettles got the rape case-” he handed the folder back to GG.
“Curse those two!” GG threw her fist in the air in mock disgust. Theo laughed and was going to continue when he saw the conference room starting to fill up. He tapped GG on the shoulder, nodding his head in the direction of the people filing in. She rushed the last few
“Alright team listen up,” FBI Director Tabitha Miller called the room to order. “I would like to welcome GG Baraquin and Theo Baez,” She pointed to the couple sitting front and center. “I figured that since we have been chasing this ghost for a year, it would benefit us to at least get a fresh set of eyes on the case.” sunk lower into her chair while Theo seemed unaware of the attention they were currently getting. Tabitha pointed a remote at the projector in the middle of the room. An image of a woman popped up on the projection screen. She was dressed in the standard Sheriff’s uniform, a bright smile on her face. “This is Diana Ford. What can anyone tell me about her?”
“She is responsible for about thirty-two grave robberies in the last year,” GG straightened in her seat, while Theo scribbled something on the legal pad in between the two of them. She glanced at the note he left before glancing up at him. “You have to be kidding,” she mumbled.
“Is something the matter?” Tabitha asked innocently.
“She’s from my hometown,” GG spoke up. “She’s about the same age as my sister,” she shook her head, “Anyway-”
“That’s enough from you,” Tabitha cut her off. “Anyone  else have something to add?” SHe surveyed the room, looking for her next victim. When no one spoke up, she heaved a heavy sigh. “Luckily for you guys, there is nothing left to report on her. The only reason we know this much is because of her DNA.” Tabitha pushed a button on the remote again causing the projector to turn on. “We need to go on a fact finding mission so that we know exactly what we are up against. I need to know what her motivation is, what her next move is. I need to know what she is going to do before she does it.” She pulls out a packet and starts to read off the page. “We will have two teams on a fact finding mission and I need good profilers on it, which is why these two are here.” She motioned to GG and Theo. “Baez, you and I will be going to Chicago, which is where the last grave was robbed. Amd Baraquin, you and Fitz will be going to Gedeh.” She slide a binder in front of GG. “Talk to anyone that may have known her. I want you to be able to write her life story by the time you are done. That way it would be easier for you to track her down.” GG nodded, already flipping through the binder. “Alright everyone else, keep up the good work and we will be back here with new, valuable information. Everyone filed out of the room except for GG and Theo. Theo drummed a pen against the table as GG continued to thumb through the binder. Once the last person exited the room, they both turned towards each other.
“Thomas?!” GG screeched. Theo grabbed her shaking hands, trying to soothe her.
“It’s for a few days, two weeks tops-”
“But Thomas?” she forced through deep breaths. “Why him? Why not you?”
“She clearly needs me in Chicago,” Theo reminded her. “You are going to be okay.”
“I’m gonna have to spend time with my grandfather. And talk to him- Oh God.” GG forced her head through her knees as Theo rubbed tiny circles on her back.
“It isn’t going to be so bad,” Theo comforted her. “You at least get to see your sister and Emily. You get to hang out with Michael, you’re going to have a great time.”
“Are you going to be okay?” GG asked. Theo offered a bright smile that let GG know that she was probably blowing things out of proportion. Theo rose from his chair, offering GG his hand to help her up. They both walked out of the room. On the way to their desk, they ran into Thomas Fitz.
“I look forward to our time together, GG. I’m sure we can accomplish something there,” he grinned widely at GG. “Theodore, good luck with Tabby. She’s a ball buster,” he laughed loudly as he walked away from the pair.
“If he gives you any trouble, punch him in the nose, like you are supposed to do to sharks.”
“I don’t know what it is about him, but he makes me uncomfortable,” GG confessed.
“I am going to take a gander that it is because he is a white male with some sort of power that he could be corrupted with and that doesn’t bode well for someone who is a black female trying to do the best job she can?” He glanced over at GG who stared back slack jawed and wide eyed. “Was that on the spectrum?”
“Don’t do that to anyone else but me before someone slaps you.” GG walked into her cubicle without another word. Theo made it to the cubicle next to hers and peered over the divider.
“I’m sorry,” Theo mumbled through his hands.
“I’m not mad, T. I was just caught off guard.” She looked through the papers in front of her. “So the itinerary says that I leave in two days, so I should probably head home and pack.” She grabbed one of his hands. “Gives me a chance to get some things done and maybe do some research done before I have to visit these guys. I will call you tonight if I don’t see you. Deal?” Theo nodded his head, giving her hand a squeeze before letting go and returning to his own work.
GG picked up her belongings and headed to the elevator. As she passed by the staircase, she felt her chest tightening, the sound disappearing. Here we go GG thought as she turned towards the stairs, watching as she milled through people to get to edge of the staircase. Without any warning, she flung herself off the edge, tumbling down the stairs and ending up in a crumpled pile on the ground floor. She watched as people milled around her, not really paying attention to her mangled body. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder, causing her to jolt back to reality, standing in the middle of the walkway. She turned to see Theo looking at her, a blank expression that she was sure matched her own.
“I just thought that I forgot something, no big deal,” she beamed at him, continuing on her way to the elevator. She pushed the down button, shaking her head vigorously when the sound started to fade again. The doors finally opened and she stepped into the surprisingly empty elevator. Once she pushed the button to go to the ground floor she was forced to stare into the chrome of the elevator doors. She noticed that her wig was the wrong color and set too far to the side, that she had gained a weight, especially in her face, making her look like she was retaining water. Her tights  were rolling down, causing her dress to ride up a little. GG tried adjusting all of these things as her breathing came out in harsh pants. She gave up on adjusting her attire when breathing became difficult. She counted backwards from ten in her head, trying to fill her lungs enough that she didn’t feel like she was drowning. Eventually she wrapped her arms around herself, took a deep breath, closing her eyes and started to whisper. “Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give,Gas smells awful.You might as well live.” GG opened her eyes again once the blockage in her throat was released and she could unwrap her arms. She sighed in relief, a small smile on her face.
“What’s that from?” GG jumped when she heard another voice in the tiny metal box. Turning her whole body around, she noticed Tabitha near the buttons.
“Uh, it’s Dorothy Parker,” GG mumbled. “A poem called Résumé.”
“Sounds depressing,” Tabitha offered. “Walk with me, talk with me,” the doors open just then and Tabitha ushered GG into her office. “I guess you’re wondering why I chose you to head this case.”
“Well,” GG clarified. “You aren’t actually having me head the project as much as-”
“We brought you on at eighteen because you had one of the highest aptitude test that I have seen in a long time, and your psychology professor told me that you were very observant,” Tabitha continued. “You proved that when you came to visit. The things you picked up on...You convinced three agents that you had been with the agency for years, and that you had even worked with them. Some of our most proficient agents. To the point that they wouldn’t believe me when I told them that you were only visiting. That kind of manipulation and reading of a situation is noteworthy and, quite frankly, remarkable. Which is why I need you on this case.” Tabitha laid a hand on GG’s shoulder. “I need someone who can quickly read a room in order to retrieve vital information. This is a strange case and I need you to go into this with a clean slate on the ground floor.” GG was still staring at Tabitha’s hand on her shoulder.
“Okay,” she conceded. “So, why do I have to go with Thomas?” A smile broke onto Tabitha’s face. Instinctively, GG stepped away from her, causing Tabitha to tighten her hand on GG’s shoulder.
“Well, I have gotten several complaints about Thomas and his methods as well as how he treats some of the staff.” Tabitha finally let GG go, causing her to release some of the tension.in her shoulders. Tabitha rounded her table and sat down at her desk, facing. “I need you to babysit him while I investigate this. There is no Chicago trip. I need Theo here to look through some of his stuff. Can’t do that while he’s-”
“Why can’t you just take statements from his victims?” GG asked candidly. “I mean, if it’s credible enough to launch an investigation, then it should be good enough-”
“Careful calling them victims. We don’t know that they are,” Tabitha cautioned. “I trust that you can keep this a secret for now, until we find the information we need.” GG gave one nod, before walking out of the office. She took a few steps out of Tabitha’s vision before she readjusted herself; she straightened the dress sleeve, trying to puff it out to no avail. She finally settled on smoothing the back of her puff before pulling at a few coils in the top. She discreetly wiped the oil left on her hands across her dress and walked out of the door.
“Hey mama-”
“Well, hello, dear sister o’ mine,” Alyna Baraquin Obi sang over the receiver. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Well, “ GG started, “I am going to be coming home for a couple of days-”
“Uh huh,” was Alyna's distracted reply.
“And I was wondering if I can stay at-”
“You are bring home the white boy again, aren’t you?” Alyna chuckled. “If you are afraid of what he’s going to say, then why do you put yourself through it? Just leave the guy at home.”
“Two things. One, this is a business call. Two, does he still react whenever you and Em kiss?”
“Whatever,” she scoffed. “So, if you aren’t bringing home a disapproval, then why-”
“The guy that’s coming with me is white.” The other end of the line was silent for a moment before a guffaw was heard on the other end of the line. “And I’ve gained more weight-”
“More than you gained last time?” Alyna’s voice was five pitches higher now. “You are going to kill yourself with all the food-”
“I am aware, thank you,” GG scoffed.
“You clearly aren’t,” Alyna snapped back. “You do realize that being obese causes cancer? Diabetes? I mean, I know that Grandpa is pretty healthy but Grandma was-”
“I. Know.” GG cut off Alyna in a clipped tone. “
“What do you want out of life?” Alyna asked in a soothing tone. “It’s like you have given up, but-”
“Look, I am sorry to disappoint you,” GG sighed, done with the conversation, “But I gotta figure out this travel plans out. Tell Em and Michael I said Hi.” She hung up before her sister could get into an argument. She had paused packing to look into the mirror on the back of her door. Even though she wore an oversized Star Wars T-Shirt, she was acutely aware of the rolls on her back as well as the protrusion of her stomach. She started to pull at the skin on her neck and her face, her breathing speeding up. Before she could lose control, her phone started to ring. She let it ring a few moments as she calmed down before looking at the caller ID. Great
“Hi grandpa-”
“Please tell me that you are leaving the white boy at home,” GG closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Theo is Cuban, and no, her isn’t making this trip with me.” She heard her grandfather sigh on the other end of the phone. “However, the partner that I have been assigned for this case is white-”
“Honestly?” Aubrey interrupted. “So, what happened to Timothy?” he asked.
“Theo, Oba. His name’s Theo,” GG corrected. knowing fully well that the elderly man would forget any moment now. “And this is not for any other reason but work.”
“Well, why can’t they get you a place closer to where you have to be?” he asked indignantly. GG could see that his rant was going to go on for a while, so she put the phone on speaker, allowing her grandfather to rant as he complained about government jobs as she carefully removed her hair from the rubber band from her hair, frowning and the amount of hair that was pulled out with it. He moved on to how cheap America was as she freed herself from her dress, kicking off her shoes as well. She grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt as her grandfather was winding down, quickly throwing them on as her grandfather was winding down.
“Actually, Oba,” GG finally spoke after the older man said his piece. “The case that I’m working on is in Gedeh, so-”
“How’s the weight coming on?” Aubrey asked abruptly. GG looked in the mirror, poking and her legs and her stomach, frowning.
“It’s good,” she lied, cringing at the inevitable reaction that she will get when she showed up at his home in a few days.
“That’s good. I’m glad-” there was a crash from her grandfather’s end.
“Oba-” GG stared at her phone when she heard the click on the other end. Maybe he finally got a cat she wondered, knowing that no one but her sister ever visited the old man. GG did not want to get the older man back on the phone just to continue down the path that they were going, knowing that it would just have them both in terrible moods when she arrived. She turned on her relaxing playlist and put on her headphones heading into the medicine cabinet and grabbing all of the bottles there. GG then started parsing out pills in a weekly pill container. She didn’t hear the insistent knocking on her door, nor did she hear the voice that called out to her. She didn’t know that anyone had used her spare key and entered her apartment. Which was why she swung her elbows back when someone tried to take off her head phones. Whoever was behind her caught one of them, swinging her around.
“What the hell?” She yelled at Theo. “You could have knocked or something.”
“I did,” he corrected her. “I also yelled through the door, banged on the door. Remembered I had a key and then let myself in.” GG rolled her eyes at his confession turning off her music and going back to sorting her pills. Theo picked up a bottle and frowned. “You can’t be serious. You can’t keep letting this happen. Even if-”
“Their family, Theo,” GG turned to face him again. “And I would like for us to get along-”
“So you are literally going to ingest poison for them?” He asked incredulously. “I get not wanting to actually fit with them but GG,” He picks up a random bottle. “I mean, isn’t ephedrine illegal?” GG snatched the bottle away from him. “I mean. this morning, you were fine. Hell, we had an oreo eating contest this morning-”
“That was before I knew,” GG took a deep breath. “Look, they are just looking out for my health.” Theo mulled over this information, choosing his words carefully.
“So, what about you mental health?” he asked. “Because that’s the one we know for sure is in peril. Or is it as long as look acceptable to them everything is okay.”
“Why are you here again?” she replied in a huff.
“To keep you company and offer moral support for this trip.” He threw himself into her couch. “And to help you pack.”
“Well I’m already done, so-”
“I’m not leaving you here alone tonight.” GG narrowed her eyes as Theo settled into the couch, emphasizing his words.Turning her back on him she continued to sort out her meds as he watched. She didn’t like her private routine being observed, she started to feel like a caged animal. She quickly filled the container and gathered all of the pill bottles in her arms and walked back to her bathroom. She could hear Theo get up from the couch and follow her into her bedroom. She focused on putting the bottles away and walked back out to the living room. Theo had already removed his shoes and his suspenders. GG dropped the bag at the door of her bedroom before walking back to the bathroom. She then pulled her phone out of her pocket, seeing that it was already ten at night.
“What’re plans tomorrow?” Theo shouted into the bathroom as GG walked to the bathroom, towel in hand..
“Uh, I have a date with my therapist,” she recalled, turning on the water in the shower. “Then I’m getting my hair done and coming back here to do a character sketch.” She grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste, throwing them in the basket hanging from the shower head. For a bit the only sound in the apartment was the T.V. being turned on in her room and the water running. GG had stipped down and entered the shower, adjusting the temperature of the water. She stepped out for a moment again to close the bathroom door and shoved her shower cap over her head. GG then made quick work of her teeth and face, making sure she cleaned all of her teeth and her tongue. She lathered up a washcloth and started scrubbing at her skin vigorously, trying to get as much dirt of as possible. She then grabbed the razor. Dragging the blade across her skin relieve a majority of the tension that her body had held onto. She focused on not cutting herself as the blade glided down her arms and legs, removing the hair that had grown in the four days since she last shaved. She finished and turned off the water, inviting her anxiety back. She stood in the shower for a while longer, regulating her breathing. She reached out for her towel, finding it at an odd distance, drying herself off and wrapping the towel around her body.
“Jesus! Fuck!” She shrieked after she moved the curtain to find Theo sitting on the toilet facing her. “I thought you were watching T.V.”
“Yeah, nothing’s on,” he confessed.
“So, listening to me shower was, what? More-”
“The fire alarm also went off in here,” he informed her, holding his hand out for her to use. “I opened the door to let the steam out.” She steps out of the shower and Theo lifted her chin as she tightened the towel around her.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

First remastered chapter of this freaking manuscript

The only sound that could be heard was the swinging zipline harness. The Gedeh Fairgrounds was in desperate need of repairs. The auditorium had long ago started showing its wood, to the point that only the grandparents could remember what the original color of the paint was. Likewise with the cabins that doubled as storefronts during the Carnival. The windows in the food service area had been removed because of all the times that it had been vandalized. It was always humid in the summer. Even at night, it always felt like a sauna was turned on too high. So, when the wind turned cold, those that were outside welcomed the change. No one expected thunder. The weather forecast (which are always a little off) promised clear night skies perfect for stargazing. People were inclined to believe the reports because the day had been cloudless. Two lightening bolts reaching down into the earth, clutching at it’s core and opening a gateway that allowed two beings to emerge from the collision. Then they were gone as quickly as they appeared. The land under their feet reemerged as the lightening dispersed across the night sky in a silvery haze. A natural light show in the middle of the county fairgrounds transported the Chi twins in the middle of the night. Gold mist hung in the air as the two new arrivals settled into existence. The force displaced by their transportation came back with a force that would have level forests if it could, but the siblings did not feel it. No pizazz, no fanfare, away from prying eyes. Orodena Chi scanned the campus for onlooker while Isio stood stock still.
"Shocked that worked. Maybe we can complete this mission without causing too much of a stir." 
After a spell, Orodena turned to see his twin staring in front of them incredulously.
“This,” they motioned around themselves. “Is Ormigiah?” Though their voice was measured, her face betrayed their disgust, almost immediately regretting the decision they made.
“When the lights come on, it will be better,” Orodena comforted Isio. Isio, looked around, her disappointment settling further in. She felt the air around her scratch at her skin, whis=ch is something that she didn’t know would happen.
“SO, how long do we have to wait here before we are taken to our destination?” Isio asked, trying to get used to the idea that they may be here for a while. Orodena was silent for a while, causing Isio to turn in their direction.
“You have to be joking,” she responded to the look on his face. Orodena shrugged, unaffected. “How do we not have transportation coming?”
“We didn’t notify anyone that we were coming?” He raised an eyebrow at his sister. “Look, their home is never too far from where we land. If anything, it’s just right up the road-”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better, Dena,” Isio whined. “I thought this was supposed to be a simple mission-”
“You thought that finding someone who spent fifty years on Ormigiah, cultivating a life and learning to blend i-”
“Okay, I get it,” Isio scoffed. “So, we are looking for the Baraquins, correct?” Isio asked, looking around her for some clues.
“Yes. I think if we just follow the road, we will be on the right track.” With that, Orodena headed towards the entrance of the park, leaving Isio to spare one more glance at the fairgrounds. She ignored the void of sound that she sensed and followed her brother, which would explain why she didn’t notice the grass dying and her feet. Or the buildings behind her twisting slightly on their axis.

Day began to break as the Orodena and Isio made their way to the front door of the Baraquin residence.
“How do we know he will be in there?” Isio asked her brother.
“The only way to find out is to check,” he replied, knocking on the door. They heard rustling papers inside before steps approached them. A tall lanky man dressed in a blue three piece suit answered the door as he adjusted his glasses.
“Can I help you?” He asked the pair.
“Aubrey Baraquin. We are looking for our sibling, Anaborhi Chi, and we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions.” Isio beamed at the man, who seemed to look over her head at her bantu knots.
“We believe you encountered them-”
“You guys just come on in,” Aubrey looked at the young man with a fade haircut. “You guys are going to have a lot of questions.” He moved out of the doorway for the two deities, ushering them into his home.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” Aubrey commented, leading the two deities into his office just off of his foyer. Isio looked around her, noticing that she actually couldn’t see the end of the house.
“We tend to take a subtle approach,” Isio offered.
“We who?” Aubrey asked, as the settled into the chairs around the desk
“The Baloq like to show up without a lot of fanfare,” Isio clarified. Orodena turned towards his sister, crossing his arms.
“Really?” Aubrey asked. Isio nodded her head enthusiastically, causing her brother to snicker at her. “Hmm,” Aubrey nodded his head. “I remember when they showed up during my time, we thought a village had been destroyed off.”
“Well, Anaborhi has always been a bit of a showoff,” Isio offered, her enthusiasm wavering slightly.
“And my grandfather thought the ground was opening up when Ogba showed up.” Orodena at Aubrey’s admission and Isio’s frown. “I think he even said the neighboring town-” Aubrey continued, unfazed by Orodena’s outburst
“We’re trying to keep a low profile,” Isio mumbled, as Orodena tried to keep himself in his chair during his fits of laughter. Aubrey simply nodded his head. “Can you tell us where to find them?” she asked.
“In the time that I knew Anaborhi, we didn’t have time to map out their path through the rest of this world.” Aubrey stood up from his chair, going to the bookshelf behind his desk.
“Well, is there anything-” Isio started.
“I might not have talked to them,” Aubrey cut in. “But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t have anything.” Aubrey turned back to the pair, a book in each hand. “If you guys are here to retrieve them, I know it’s bad. These are the accounts of Anaborhi, in their own words.”
“I do have a question,” Orodena had finally stopped laughing and righted himself in his chair. “How do you know not to deem us a certain gender.”

“My father always told me to never judge a book by the cover, especially when it comes to you guys,’ Aubrey shook his head, as if he remembered something fondly. “So,shall we get to work?”

Saturday, December 3, 2016

tw: bullshit

I’m going to preface this by saying I have never seen Last Tango in Paris and now I am confident in saying that I never will. For those who have not heard, the director of this film mentioned that he and Marlon Brando conspired (his words) to surprise Maria Schneider with the butter rape scene.
In simpler term, Marlon Brando, at age 48, raped Maria Schneider, at age 19, at the request of the director. And now you’re wondering why.

ARTIST INTEGRITY
Apparently, despite the fact that he hired her to do this job, he didn’t think that she could do this particular scene any justice. Instead of trying it out to see if he could be wrong, he raped her. By proxy. And I don’t want to hear that brando is also a victim, fuck that. You raped someone and ruined her life. 

She never worked again. She got into heavy substance abuse and four years before she died, she gave an interview about the experience where she mentioned that she felt raped by Brando. It went largely unreported.
So my question is this. Since filming didn’t wrap that day, if she cut Brando from scrotum to nostrils, what would people say? If she ripped his dick off, and stuffed it down the director’s throat, then ripped off the director’s dick and stuffed it down Brando’s throat, how would she be viewed. They raped her, and she took the violence inflicted on her in the name of artistic integrity, turned it inward, and destroyeed herself. WHEN THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD HAVE SUFFERED WENT ON TO PROSPER! 
Frankly, I hope Brando is getting raped every day at irregular intervals by the devil, and I hope he is reminded of what he did. I hope that the director is on location on day, has to go to the bathroom, and the port-a-potty is occupied. I hope he goes into the woods looking frantically around until her finds a prime spot, clear and toilet paper there! I hope that he sits down, and finally relaxes. I hope that after a moment, he feels something prickly inside of him. I hope he clenches, sending excrutiating pain, realizing that he sat on a cactus.
And, more than anything, I hope that Maria Schneider is in peace. I hope that Heaven is real, and she is now sipping Arnold Palmers with Arnold Palmer and Prince. I hope she is having sing alongs with all the greats and that this bullshit is long behind her.
And don’t get me wrong. I don’t want this for punishment for what they did.
I want this for reciprocation.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Now more than ever.

I am sitting at work for the fifth day in a row, trying to finish this novel that may never be published. Maybe because it's bad. Or polarizing. Or because I am polarizing by virtue of being. I have watched the Tomi Lahren interview with Trevor Noah no less than three times. Not because I think she's interesting or even because I think he's actually getting through to her. I just wonder what's the point?
For example, I work with this staunchly conservative family as their care provider. On the third day of my employment, he asked me what I thought about Hilary's free college education plan. Before I even started talking he told me that nothing is free. Then why ask for my opinion? He said that just to give me a base for what my answer to be. I just smiled, and left the kitchen. This is just one in a long line of increasingly volatile interactions with an onld man who is just a Patriot of this land that Patriot just means he's racist as shit.
On top of doing my job trying to make sure that these people are comfortable, I am also writing a book. But, seeing as how I am surrounded by Patriots like the man above, I worry that my story might not have a place. Who wants to hear about a woman who still deals with the past on a daily basis and now comes to realize that her entire life was shaped by some tangible being? WHo longs to be better for her family, KNOWING that she never will be? Isolates herself becauuse she is aware of her own unlikeability(sp)? I would have loved that story growing up. Knowing that you could make mistakes and chase a ghost but if you did it for you then it would be worth it. But who the hell wants to read that?
And now I'm crying at work. Because I am well aware that there is not a place for me. I may never achieve what I need to. I may never be a writer for life and THAT is upsetting. What is more upsetting, however, is that I will never know why?

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Suture and Le Tigre

Suture woke with a start. Raising her shaking hands to her face, she saw that they were clean, their usual markings not marred by discoloration. Careful not to disturb Le Tigre, she got out of bed to examine the rest of herself. She didn't see anything abnormal about her appearance. As a matter of fact, she did not even own a dress like the one she was supposedly wearing. She resolved to shake the thought from her head and get ready for her day. As she got dressed, Le Tigre rose from the bed, posing at the door. With everything packed and earbuds in, she left her home.
A block away from her home, she was accosted. A man thought is was necessary to enforce his smile policy. Before he could grab a hold of Suture, a growl ripped through Le Tigre. The man immediately backed away, hand raised in surrender. Suture rested her hand between Le Tigre's ears, it calmed down and turned, allowing suture to continue with her day. She finally made it to the boutique, put Le Tigre away, and started her shift.
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Suture had forgotten about the dream. She was going to a club. She even bought a new dress for the night. She danced and drank. Her friends rented a VIP room so they wouldn't be disturbed. Suture got too close to strangers, and enjoyed the environment she was in.
Suture didn't know that she was gaining a captive audience. Many of them preferred not to interact. Some thought that buying her a drink would gain conversation. Some thought that talking to her friends would gain access to her time. Some thought that a physical connect was the way to get her to talk. What they didn't know was that she was not looking to make anymore connections. She purposefully dressed the way she did to feel free. She was dancing to leave all of her woes on the dance floor. Most of the men who tried understood that she was not interested. Disgruntled, they elected to leave her in peace.
There was a man who tried all three tactics. Each failure did not deter him. It only made him angry. He even offered her something to take the edge off. He had been gentler than the other men who had pawed at her and her friends. She didn't even offer him her name. I'm a nice guy, he thought, why can't she see that? So he sulked in the corner, watching Suture enjoy herself.
Suture had enough fun for the night and had plans with her friends for the next day. She was hit with a strange sense of déjà vu as she walked up to retrieve her belongings. Le Tigre was in turn, also put on edge. She walked out of the club, towards her apartment, three blocks away.
The man from the club followed behind her, determined to prove to her that she was wrong. He began calling after her. A chill ran down her spine, her dream was beginning to play out. She was a building away from her apartment, so she turned to her would be attacker.
“I don't have anything. I just want to get home.”
This enraged the man even more. Does it look like I rob women? How dare she! Suture rook his silence to mean that a crisis was avoided. She walked into her apartment building and took the stairs. She was almost to the level when she was yanked back viciously. The rust on the railing scrapped into her skin, certainly taking a layer off. She landed with a thud on a lower level. The man pulled her up to her feet and attempted to dust her off. She pushed as hars as she could, which only angered him. He put both his hands around her neck and squeezes right,slowly lifting her off of her feet. A sadistic smile grew on his face as he watched her struggle. Before she lost all consciousness, she remembered Le Tigre. Luckily her bag was still around her body. She prayed that she would find it, prayed that she would survive this. Her fingers find the cold metal she was looking for. There was a sudden pop.
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
“Sarah Uchi? Sarah Uchi is your name, right? Ma'am?” The paramedic was trying to get Suture's attention. But she was in shock, replaying every decison she made that resulted into what had transpired. Suture flinched when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“It’s not your fault. No matter what you did, what you said, what you wore, this should not have happened. You did well.”
“Is he-”

“He's stable. They took him to the hospital to stitch him up and book him,” the paramedic stated. Suture nodded, not really paying attention. She has been preoccupied by Le Tigre, the gun her mother bought her before she moved away. Reality started to sink in, her dirty dress served as a backdrop to her bloodstained hands, deep scratch etched into her palm.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Rue

Sometimes it feels like I am breathing around a cactus. Each breathe pushes spikes deeper into my lungs. Inhale, the cactus pushes forward, climbing up,  digging in, embedding. Exhale, everything relaxes. My body is constantly flexing, always tense. I don't know if I can be wound any tighter until I am. I can almost feel my bones cracking as my muscles constrict around them. I feel like I can peel my skin back. The pain of removing layers from my already fractured body.

So I accommodate. I try to stay quiet. Keep to myself. Speak only when spoken to. Smile when approached. Then I are told I am mean. Standoffish. Fake. Rude. Then I engage others in conversation. Stick around others. Force myself to interact with people I are sure will hurt I when I know you can't take it. Now I am clingy. Needy. Overzealous. I spend so much time swinging between both sides of the pendulum, only to be knocked down.

So I take moments to yourself. Hide in corners, away from everyone. Weary of interacting with others. Afraid of adding more momentum to the swinging pendulum.

Then I realize I will never find peace. I will always say something off putting to others. I will want to peel my skin off with every negative word spoke to and about me. Logically, I know I can't hold anyone at bay. It is virtually impossible to keep the attacks out. So I hold everything in. The cracking bones, the desire to bust out of my skin, each impact from the pendulum swing. But I am growing tired. And I fear the day that I break down. That I stop stitching myself together, padding myself for impact. The day that I start letting myself feel the emotions I keep at bay are sure to have catastrophic repercussions. When I burst, break down. I may set the world aflame. I may break the ground around me.

For this reason, I pray that few people feel my wrath. Because I don't know what I would do.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

#30WriteNow day 1

I went to a private school in Texas. After dropping out of there, I went to a pretty well off high school. I didn't do well there either. I graduated and went to a mediocre college. I failed out. I spent a few years trying to “find myself” and only ended up focusing on what other people were doing as opposed to what I should be doing.

I have loved literature since before I can remember. I used to spend my lunch breaks, hiding in the library. The happiest moments I have was discovering a new book in the library and trying to read it before my next class. If I didn't then I guess I had to take the book home. What else was I supposed to do? The things was, I didn't like being forced to read. Something about a school assigned book getting in the way of what really mattered made me irate.

So now I am 27, broke, unemployed, and unhappy, trying to find my way back to what I love. And also, trying to put more love and acceptance into myself, instead of putting it into someone else.

So, here's to writing. Here's to pouring out soul and heart, hoping to help someone else who needs to find their passion.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Fat and ok

The scale has to be lying. Sure, my clothes are a little tight, the size that I used to be isn’t anymore and I have developed 4th, 5th, and 6th boobs, but I can’t have gained weight. Especially not that much weight. I can still walk place. I walk to work every day! I am constantly in the gym; I can’t have gained weight! But it’s true. I was 326.4 lbs., 148.05255 kg, 23.31428578228572 stone. Even in zero gravity the fact was undeniable. Morbidly obese one doctor said. From my smallest size I had more than doubled. I didn’t have anything that would make me gain so much weight; no thyroid problem, children, no real money. I was fat.
This was just another point of disappointing daughter that I had added to my resume; never graduated from college, wasted potential, incapable of being independent, no prospects, and now fat. If only I could just get my shit together. If only I was hit by a car. Or a train. I deserve to be dead. I don’t even have the guts to gut myself. If I don’t even have the willpower to stop eating, let alone make myself disappear. No one likes me fat. My own mother bemoans the fact that she has a fat daughter. How embarrassing! My father refuses to acknowledge my existence now. If he knew I gained weight? My sister, who has never been average weight (let alone overweight) had angry outburst about the fact that we do not address my weight properly, because I need to face the fact that I am fat.
I am a praying person. Not the person you see on bended knee for what seems like hours. But every time I get an angry thought about my body, I would pray to change it. Please make me skinny. If you make me a size 6, I will go to church every day. If I lose 10 lbs., I will never look at bread. I would deprive myself of everything, then binge on it later. I would meal prep and meal plan, eat things that I hated. I would absorb any negative thing said about me in the hopes that I would get some sort of inspiration to finally want to be skinny.
My mom has this photo of me at my sophomore year Homecoming. It’s a terrible picture, blurry and you can barely tell it is me. I am about 160 lbs., wearing this dress that I bought 2 hrs. before, super uncomfortable shoes. My shoulders are slumped; I have a pained smile on my face. My best friend’s mom took the photo. I remember afterwards I had to reapply the make-up that she put on me. I cried twice that night. Once when the guy I had a crush on rejected me. But the first time was because my mom and I had an argument. Not because of my grades or even because I dropped out of a prestigious private school. It was because I had gain 15 lbs. over the summer. The argument was basically my mother wondering where she went wrong, how she ended up with such a train wreck for a daughter. My mom now looks at that picture as what could have been she has it on the fridge to remind me that I can still get down to that size. I often think about that night. I also thing about the people who use me as a cautionary tale for their kids, the people who see me and think, “well, at least I am not that big”. It’s a thought that keeps me in bed on days that I don’t go to work. Every negative word I heard would carve out a piece of my being, which would be filled with food, as clichéd as it sounds. I would often sob as I ate whole cheesecakes, a burger and fries, and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s strawberry cheesecake. My mother hates my appearance; my father hates me. Food would never hurt me, except now I am the biggest I have ever been. How do I achieve my dreams now? What are my dreams? All I have even been focused on is losing weight, and I failed at that. If I couldn’t even do that, how was I ever going to do whatever it is I wanted out of life?

So now I am ready to admit that I am fat. I am now ready to admit that there is no shame in being fat. I am in perfect health, I can still exercise, I still try to eat as healthy as I see fit. I will do my best not to beat myself up (still a work in progress). I am going to go after what I want, because of what I look like. I am going to dedicate my life full tilt to being my authentic self, which is a fat black woman who is aware of the criticism and stigmatization that she will face and is ready to welcome it with open arms.