Whenever I get sad, I like to do things that make me sadder to purge the emotion. Sometimes it's watching a particularly sad scene in a show or movie, but mainly I listen to sad songs. There’s one song in particular that never fails to make the tears fall, the sobs rack, and acts as a siren call to physically purge a negative emotion. Smother, as the title suggest, is about an overbearing individual. Just like James Blake was able to sing depression in the listener during Forward, Elena Tonra embodies the anxiety of someone who maybe a habitual line stepper in the realm of familiarity of any relationship.
What do I mean? Where the hell am I going with this?
Social Media is a wonderful, terrifying place. As a black woman, I don’t have that many avenues to be myself off the web. Between work, home, and the forced social interaction that is everyday, mundane life, I get the privilege of holding a lot of things in. Social media is a place that I can go to vent into a virtual void and more than likely get someone who empathizes with my plight. It’s a place where I can shout out people that I admire, and maybe even interact with them if the stars align just right. Social media is my version of Narnia or Hogwarts, where I get to in and watch funny or inspiring content or engage in conversations on a variety of topics. And in the above statement lies the terrifying part of Social Media; because I refrain from interacting in my real life, I tend to be a little overly familiar on the web. Admittedly, I don’t know when I cross that line, so when I see general posts about people getting overly fresh on the internet, I automatically assume that the tweet is about me. And I hate it because I know what it’s like to have people think that they can say or do anything and you won’t react. I deal with people saying racist shit and then telling me not to worry because I’m “one of the good ones”. I know what it’s like for people to stick their hands in my hair because it’s just “So cool”. People have put hands on me because “You’re so soft”. I have had people offer unsolicited advice on how I could lose weight because “You’d be so much prettier if you were skinny”. These are people that I interact with on a daily basis and every time something like this happens I want to scream because I hate it. I hate not being able to say what’s on my mind for fear of serious repercussions.
So why would I be content to inflict that on someone else?
Answer: I’m not. Not even a little.
So when these post show up, it’s kind of like someone tugging on my hoodie. Now I’m the microagressive asshat. I’m the person grabbing someone’s shoulder and turning them around because I’m just trying to hi, and the conversation was taking so long. I don’t want to be that person. I try my best to not be that person. But then I see a post that says, “Gen Pop: we are not friends. I don’t know you, so gimme fifty feet.” And then my anxiety kicks up. Congrats jackass, you made someone uncomfortable. So then I stop interacting with that person. Then I think, “How many people think this and are afraid to say this to me”? Anxiety intensifies. So then I start to think.
“Maybe I should just stay off of social media forever.”
“Maybe I’m an annoying codswallow who no one wants to hear from.”
“Maybe I don’t have any friends.”
That last one is always the one that makes me want to stay in bed for the next forever. Because, say what you want about online friends not being real, but sometimes in real life friends are trash and a means to an end. The people that I interact with online won’t think I’m weird if I finish a book in two hours and spend the next eight going into an in depth analysis of it. So if the people that I have the most fun interacting with are not only not my friends, but also find my draining to be around? Anxiety at critical mass. I get that the posts or threads I see do not necessarily mean that the creator is talking to/about me. However the possibility that it could very well be that I am annoying these people is enough. The one community that I feel like I don’t have to pretend to be okay with the dumb shit, I am seen as annoying. I get that not everyone is going to like me, I get that everyone has an off day and says something that they don’t mean. But what if they are in the majority? What if everyone agrees that I’m a suffocator? Crushing, crippling anxiety for the win.
I just don’t want to be annoying, but most of the stuff in my day to day life leaves me starving for genuine interaction with like minded people. Which might lead me to look like a rabid dog on occasion and earn me the label of “annoying”. So what do I do? Stay offline and let real life slowly drive me insane? Continue to interact and hope that the people I interact with know that they can tell me when I’m playing hard for team extra?
I don’t know.
For now, all I can say is I’m sorry if I smothered you.
